Allow me to introduce myself. My name is William Swilliams Williams, and I fill the position of family butler for the Williams'. I haven't much to dae because the Williams are bleedin' tidy and ordered people whose three children are bleedin' well behaved and quiet almost all the time. I have therefore resorted to blogging to fill some of my spare time, and in the hopes that yeh, the reader, may glean wisdom from the Williams' example.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Leaving Leaves

Each year in October, the Williams clan takes a family photograph in a large pile of leaves out on the front lawn.  Last year, the event started orf nicely with a big breakfast party in which all of the Williams family mates came to the house to eat bagels and play in the leaves.  As a side note, I must give credit where credit is due.  It did not escape my attention that Mr. Williams (clever weasel that he is) had all of the men help him rake up the leaves into a big pile before the leaf jumping could begin. Not a bad return for a bag of bagels and bucket of cream cheese.  But I digress.  Back on the main stage, everyone had a mint time jumping in the leaves. And then they went gaffe and the Williams came back indoors.  And the leaves – all the tens of thousands of em - sat out on the lawn as a beautiful, decaying reminder of the smashing time that was had by all – until April.  Yes, from October until April did those leaves sit undisturbed, rustling and whispering taunts of neglect in the wind whilst the neighbors sat shaking their heads and clucking their tongues. And even now, there remains what reminds me of an alien crop circle in the shape of a pile of brown bread leaves right in middle of the front lawn. Chivvy back October. The neighbors and I anxiously await yer return.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Quarters for Sale!

Last week, the middle wean showed some shrewdness and initiative. Of his own accord, he ran for and won a seat on the student council for his school. I had the privilege of speaking with the newly elected kindergarten official the other day about why he believes he outperformed all of the other kindergartners in the election. In his speech, turns out, he promised the other lads that if elected, he would make sure the playground received a new tire swing. Following is a portion from my little interview, bessy I can recall:
  • Noah: I think that’s why I won. No one else promised anything like that.
  • William: Ah yes. bleedin' mint. So… how dae ye plan to get a tire swing on the playground then?
  • Noah: That’s nothing. I’ll just get a tire and take the middle out, then hang it with a chain from a tree on the playground.
  • William: So where will ye get the tire?
  • Noah: Lowes, I guess.
  • William: So how dae ye plan to pay for the tire? Surely they won’t just give it to ye?
  • Noah:
  • William: Hadn’t thought of that then? Well suppose ye hae a fund-raiser?  Ye could raise the lolly I bet.
  • Noah: Oh! I know what to do! I'll have a fundrasier and sell quarters for a dollar a piece.
I dae believe that wean has a bright future in politics.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Teeth and Fairies

Emma, the daughter of the family has recently lost two teeth.  Lost is such an inappropriate word for this kind of thingamajig.  In both cases, she had the bugger forcibly removed from her head by Mrs. Williams.  There was all manner of hellish screaming, tears and threats.   Add to that all the fussing Emma was doing and ye begin to see the picture as it played out.  Ye know, a child can go from one emotion to another in a single breath.   It felt as though the tooth had been plugging up a great deal of excitement and joy that was free to burst forth once the tooth was removed.  And there is no wonder why; the tooth fairy must hae inherited some dosh because it is certainly more generous now that it was when I lost my laughing gear.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Death of the Olde Grey Floater

A vehicle is sod all to get too caught up about.  They all dae about the same things.  They all pass the same standards.  None of em are allowed to go as fast as they are able.  However, some of em can make ye feel alive.  Inspire ye to go and dae.  Not so with the Williams’ minivan.  No, the “olde grey floater” made ye feel many things, but alive was not one of em.  Uncomfortable, yes.  Uncool, cheque.  Unable to open the passenger side door due to a lack of a handle, quite.  But alas, it could get ye where ye wanted to go and it could carry the whole family plus me there at one time.

And then, last May, it couldn’t. Well, it could as long as y'r destination was straight ahead.  Bung in a turn, and ye were SOL.  Cheerio olde grey floater.  Wotcher beautiful Veracruz with navi, sunroof, leather, xm and the ability turn both left and right at any time.  Ahhhh, it is noice to feel alive.